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Dammit, I changed again


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2rjbVlUKkE


So for the past couple months I've been in a holding pattern. I felt no motivation and the things that used to bring me joy no longer did. I recognized some of the signs I usually associate with depression, but it didn't feel like usual.





So when times get uncertain I go to my rules.


1) Don't make decisions or react while emotional / unstable.

2) Wait. This too shall pass.

3) Introspect


3 isn't as much of a rule as it is my basic M.O. I can't help it. I try to figure out what triggered me. Why I'm acting the way I'm acting and what I can control vs what I can't.


Thus commenced the holding pattern,

except after days turned to weeks turned to months:

rule 2 wasn't working,

3 was in data overload,

and 1 wasn't going to be able to maintain

(turbo is only meant for shoot boosts.)


So now comes rule 4


4) When things don't pass, accept them as the new normal even if they're not.


So now I'm working on accepting the fact that I've gone from an extroverted, over-achieving, personal project maniac to a laid back, borderline introvert, who mostly just wants to rest and doesn't want to collaborate with others on creative projects. I'm making the decisions to shut down the projects I had going on in a controlled way (which I'm hoping is better than the ghosting I've been doing while in my unmotivated holding pattern), and trying to be ok with my complete personality reversal.


It's hard. There's a lot of judgement and negative thoughts swirling in my brain. Buddhists are taught that when you have a unwholesome thought you should try and replace it with the exact opposite while still maintaining your truth.


So when mean brain tells me that I'm flighty and unstable I'm consciously choosing to think, "No. I am not flighty and unstable. I am adaptable and I'm handling my natural changes in as responsible a manner as I can. I did not make the decision lightly or quickly and I gave myself the space and time I needed to be at ease with my new path."


When mean brain tells me that I'll never be successful by being inconsistent, I'm choosing to think, "Being truthful to myself is my success and my constancy."


Also while some major things have changed, many core traits are rock solid. I still love all the people I have loved. I still am addicted to stories. I still like crafting. I still believe in my ideals of community, sustainability, accountability, and caring. I have maintained my vital self care routines and career. At my heart, I am still me even if I'm showing more of my slower speed facets than my active ones.


Also, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Just a few months ago I was lamenting to my closest friends that the time was coming in my life plan for me to have kids, and while I look forward to motherhood I was apprehensive about loosing the joy I'd found in my artistic endeavors and clubs through lack of time.


Now I've somehow lost that joy, but have found joy in spending down time with my family. Not-So-Side Note: my nieces are amazing! Maybe I'm just naturally transitioning. Maybe this is a blessing readying me for my next stage.


I don't know. Maybe this is a phase, maybe its a permanent change. Whatever the future brings this is my present and I'm doing my best to accept it and keep moving forward.

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