RETTA BODHAINE

04/26/2020

Depression is:

Writing a letter to yourself at 5 am because you’re panicking over an issue that feels monumental, but you’ve been in this kind of state enough times that you don’t trust any of your own emotions. Its reading the words that feel so rational and real over and over, looking for always/never statements and other known signs that you’re not quite right right now.

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It’s doing the checklist (have you bathed, can you sleep, are the ANTs taking over, what’s your emotional stability been over the past week... etc) over and over in your mind, reminding yourself that you’ve checked off too many of the boxes so you have to believe that you’re in a depressive cycle and no matter how real it feels right now it’s not true. It’s not what you really think it’s just what you emphatically think right now so just hold the fuck on. Have the tissues on hand and sob into a pillow and DO NOTHING ELSE because any action you take, problems you “fix,” or heavy conversations you start right now will only lead to regret, and apologies, and mental self-flagellation.

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It’s forcing yourself into self-care. It’s taking the fucking pills that you have no problem taking when you’re not like this but some stupid little voice tells you that skipping one night won’t be a problem. THE VOICE IS A TRAP!

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It’s holding on even when you can’t reach out b/c even your morning friends aren’t awake at this ungodly hour. It’s repeating the words “breathe” and “hold on” and “just get through it” over and over and over.

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It’s realizing and seeing the pattern once you’re already through it. It’s knowing that it was inevitable that you’d end up back here and it’s just as inevitable that it’ll happen again. And being so ridiculously tired of your own completely unnecessary bull shit.

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...And then the wave crests, and you’re not magically cured or anything, but you’re also not in that desperate dangerous moment. It’s passed. Just like you knew it would. Just like it always has. Just like you hope it always does. Ok, lie. You really hope that you never have to deal with it again, but you know better than that.

It’s only over for now, but at least, for now, it’s over.

 

02/18/2020

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Diurnal Depression: A How-Not-To Guide that I historically follow religiously.

1) Have an impossibly hard time getting up one morning. Make it a Monday on a busy week with a pre-planned irregular routine for ultimate effect.

2) Finally get out of bed, but be scattered and feel guilty the entire rest of the day.

3) Misunderstand everything everyone says to you and dwell on all of your words so you really feel alone.

4) DISTRACTION THERAPY

5) Stay late at work / activities trying to compensate for your scattered tardiness.

6) Stay up late trying to get more stuff done so that the feeling goes away

7) Repeat all week so that by Friday (possibly even earlier if you’re lucky) you can be openly sobbing in front of others - strangers for bonus points

8 )Take your sick day on Saturday, but be sure to cancel plans with others for the extra dollop of guilt.

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Diurnal Depression: The Buddhist Guide that I WILL F??CKING FOLLOW THIS TIME SO HELP ME DEITIES:

1) Do what you can

2) Breathe

3) Observe yourself

3a) Break the feeling bad about feeling bad cycle when you notice it

3b) Accept the feelings until they pass

 

 

01/26/2020

Once upon the nineties, my father gave angsty teenage me the dating advice of, “maybe let people get to see you a little at a time.”

I did not heed his advice. I was more about, letting them know what they we’re getting into from go.

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At least that’s what I thought I was doing. Right up until last night.

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Here I am nearly 3 years into a very open and honest relationship feeling intensely vulnerable as I try to explain to my SO an abnormal thing my brain does.

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So I guess it turns out I was portioning out myself, it’s just when you’re a lot even the portions seem big. ??

Also, when you’re a lot, it’s kind of impossible not to portion it.

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PS: Don’t judge dad. He just didn’t want me to be hurt, but me being me meant the world was going to hurt until I a) found my tribe and b) learned the inner happiness stuffs.

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Commentary fro my sister: I think its more about confidence. If you are willing to face and accept rejection without letting it change you, then throwing it all out there and seeing what sticks is a great tactic. Parents never want their children to be hurt, and he was scared for you.

 

 

07/19/2017

 

The First Step

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It started as a dream, as a yearning desire for what I wish my life was.

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Then the thoughts, what I might be able to do that could make my life that way.

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Then the realization that it might be possible, but probably wasn’t.

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Then the bone deep knowledge that I won’t risk what I have for a grass is greener dream.

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Then the loss of gratitude. The focusing on all that’s wrong instead of what was right.

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Then the trying to shake it, to remember what it is I loved before, to remind myself what I’m grateful to have, to employ every coping mechanism I’ve added to my bug out bag of tricks

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…but it’s too late the trap is sprung.

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Now everything is effort. I can’t get out of bed without a fight. I can’t do chores without a mental gymnastics. I grasp and claw at every scrap of energy I can find. I gather them to me. I use them for the things I have to do to keep it all from falling apart.

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My mind won’t focus, my body won’t move. I’m making so many mistakes. Everyone’s angry and no one understands why I’m different from before. I don’t understand. I’m scared, and tired, and sad.

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There are brief moments of light. Usually when I’m focused on the trivial things. The things I like. The things that aren’t responsible, obligatory, or useful. I’m frivolous like that. I hate my frivolity.

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I’m scared, tired, sad, and hateful.

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And. I. am. TRYING.

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… until I’m not. Until I’m utterly fatigued and cannot care about anything.

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It always goes until it breaks me. I hope that I can just try hard enough and I can make it until “this too has passed,” but EVERY SINGLE TIME it won’t let up, until I break.

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Then the consequences come faster.

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At least I was trying before and that was bad, now I’ve just given up and that’s unacceptable.

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Unacceptable for my coworkers, my teammates, my clients, my friends, my family.

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Unacceptable for me.

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And I hate myself, but I can’t find it! The energy, the hope, the love.

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I remember feeling it,

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but I don’t feel it now, and if I manage to, I feel guilt. I don’t deserve this. They don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.

 

This shouldn’t be happening!

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I could stop it… I already now how, where, what… the only questions are if and when.

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I can stop it.

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All the can’ts in the world, and I have one can.

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NO!

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No. That’s not right. I promised. I can’t remember why, but I promised; and when nothing means anything she still means everything. She deserves better than me, than this; but she asked, and I promised.

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Besides, I have two cans.

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I can breathe.

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Three

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I can wait.

 

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And               slowly               the cans build back up.

 

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I can move.

 

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I can try.

 

 

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I can focus.

 

I can love.

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I can LIVE.

 

 

 

 

 

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I can dream.

 

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05/10/2019

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My life with depression:

• Has awesome sister (continues throughout)

• Puberty hits

• WTF IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?

• WHY is this happening to just me?!

• Why can’t I fix me?

• Self Hatred (resurfaces throughout)

• Something is wrong with me.

• I am wrong.

• Humans are wrong.

• Everything is wrong.

• Maybe I’m wrong about everything being wrong?

• choice: smart and depressed or deluded and not depressed?

• I choose to choose hope. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m an idiot for doing so, but I am a fallible idiot, so ...maybe not?

• CLING to the “Maybe, I’m wrong” and the “Awesome Sister will hate me forever if I bail early.” (Continues throughout, but less after meds)

• Ok, something is wrong but I can deal... for now

• For now

• For now

• ||: For now

• For then?

• Self Sabotaging :||

• FOR NOW

• JUST EFFING BREATHE

• Finds 12 step programs!

• Not JUST me

• list of unhealthy relationships

• ridiculously unhealthy relationship

• out patient program

• I take a daily pill, because something is so wrong with me it has to be adjusted daily

• Screw that! I can fix me!

• Constant vigilance is hard.

• Scratch that, impossible.

• A whole bag of self sabotaging including revisiting the ridiculously unhealthy relationship and loosing a few good friends.

• ||: I take a daily pill, because something is so wrong with me it has to be adjusted daily :|| (continues throughout)

• adjust medication x 6 (throw in bad reaction scare just for spice)

• THATS THE PRICE WITH INSURANCE ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!

• no more psych, just GP

• it’s not as bad as it was, but I thought the pill was supposed to fix this?

• As long as I exist so will my depression?!

• As long as I exist so will my depression?

• As long as I exist so will my depression.

• ||:Cycles:||

• ABSOLUTELY NO decisions shall be made while in emotional states.

• Finds Buddhism!

• ||:Cycles:||

• Don’t fight it. Be where I am, but don’t play into it either. It hits pause; I resume as soon as I can.

• Starts Publishing / ARTC (thank you Ellie)

• ||:Cycles:||

• It happened, it will happen again. Cope. Breathe. Be.

• Finally enters a healthy relationship

• ||:Cycles

• Starts giving advice to others 

• Continues overthinking :||

• ... to be continued

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(announcer voice) This post brought to you by the trigger Broken Routine. Broken Routine, it’s out of your control.

 

 

02/12/2018

 

Today’s a day when I am filled with creativity. It’s flowing through my every atom. It’s filling my fingertips to just short of bursting. It’s providing the answers to many of those plot problems which have been plaguing me. I could sit and write for hours on end, and never feel the time pass.

 

Time.

 

Today’s a day when I don’t have extra time. I’ll go into work (which I’m lucky to have). I’ll spend my energy there. Ill honor my pre-planned after work commitments. I’ll come home drained, and the gift of this morning will be gone, right as it’s my scheduled time to sit and write.

 

I gotta move to a morning writing schedule.

 

#ResponsibleAdulting #MusesAre1099sNotW2s

 

 

07/19/2017

 

I'm compelled to write

histrionic poetry.

God, depression sucks.

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02/23/2017
 
Can't sleep
Won't drink
My heart races
Reminding myself to breathe
Caught in its grasp
No control.
Can't stop: Thinking. Crying. Shaking.
Detesting
Disappointed
Detesting
Disillusioned
Detesting
Despondent
Detesting
Dreading
Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat Repeat
Re. Peat.
It will always come back.
It will always repeat.
There are pauses, but
no end.
No. Stop. TRY to stop. Please.
Remember to breathe.
Force faith
In things I don't really believe
But wish I did
Bright, pretty, nice lies
To get me to the next inhale.
That's where I am.
Not day by day. Not step by step. Not minute by minute.
Just breathe in.
Hold on.
Just breathe in.
Hold on.
The pause will come.
Just
Breathe
& cling
& wait.